The Wokepedia
By everyone evenly in glorious socialist equality
So you’ve taken one look at the current political spectrum, realised that thinking is much harder than gut-level reactionary belief, and have decided to just give up on it all and embrace Leftist ideology? Well good for you! But by now, you’re no doubt up to your brain-stem in confusing new terms. How can you find your way through the turmoil of modern political double-speak? What does ‘turmoil’ even mean? This simple glossary of terms explains some of the words you’re likely to see used on the internet, so you too can use them to feign wisdom and experience, and bluff your way through arguments on topics about which you know absolutely nothing.
Woke
The revered title for people who have invested into a caring, sharing and accepting progressive ideology. The name is taken from the idea that they have ‘awoken’ from the ludicrous indoctrinated beliefs of their youth, such as the absurd notion that individuals are responsible for their own actions, and not for the perceived crimes of their distant ancestors.
The woke are frequently very special, in spite of any educational shortcomings, and use their vast capacity for feelings to weave elaborate webs of convincing-sounding reasoning and justification for every possible eventuality, without the need to concern themselves with the need for rationality and self-evaluation. This makes them largely immune to logic, reason, and any other toxic far-right fabrication that assaults your sensibilities with ‘facts’.
If anyone happens to disagree with your truth, then a pre-articulated word salad can always ‘prove’ that their facts don’t apply, on that particular occasion, at your personal discretion. Truth is ultimately whatever you decide it is, and now you can prove it by not proving it!
With the more persistent arguer, screaming about hurt feelings until everyone else just gives up is always a sure winner. If you’re ever confused about how this works, then simply spend time with toddlers and you’ll soon find this behaviour very easy to imitate.
The woke are also affectionately known by the Russian government as useful idiots.
Token
Whenever you watch a TV show or movie, the first and most important questions you always find yourself asking is, Where is the black character? Where is the strong female character? Where is the gay character? The token is how we ensure that the answer to these question is ‘Right there in the middle of things where they belong, narrative consistency be damned!’ with statistically predetermined frequency.
There really is no excuse not to include these characters, because black, female and gay are fully encompassing personality traits, and they have no need to be interesting or unique beyond that. In fact, they don’t even have to do anything at all, really, just merely be there. And the more the better.
Liberal
Liberalism is the principle of embracing individual liberty while allowing only a bare minimum of government intrusion. The problem with unbridled liberty is that people can’t be trusted to form the right opinions and make the right decisions in a way that’s consistent with woke ideals, so it’s widely accepted that true liberalism requires all potentially errant behaviours be heavily regulated by the State to ensure social cohesion and a new definition of freedom for everybody.
Diversity
Diversity is the scale by which minority inclusion is measured—the more minorities there are, the more diverse it is. Diversity is important, because minorities probably aren’t capable of succeeding in life without all the help the woke liberals give them, we feel.
Problematic
Somewhere between something being a problem and not being a problem is a nebulous grey area of neither and both. It might not feel like it’s worth making a screaming fuss about how it offends us, but at the same time it can’t be ignored in case it might, possibly, potentially offend someone else. For this ‘reason’ it must be highlighted, harped on about, and implied that whomever is responsible is an irredeemably awful person, for it could progress to becoming a problem at any time.
Such non-problem/problem scenarios get the disapproving descriptor of problematic.
Communism
An idyllic system of governance where individual ownership is replaced by common ownership of all products and resources, with the people at the top controlling it in a way that’s totally different to capitalism.
Of course, that doesn’t mean anybody can just take anything they like—that would be ridiculous, which is why the people at the top are protected by people with guns. That should keep everything nicely safe. The products and resources all have to be carefully managed by a benevolent government who will make sure that all the good stuff goes to the people who deserve it—people like you, and not just to themselves. That would never happen.
Communism works because when people are given the choice of putting in extra effort for no personal gain, or doing absolutely nothing, they will always gravitate towards the former—it’s human nature!
Sadly, true Communism has never been tried, is something we say every time it’s tried and failed, and it remains as true as you feel it is.
Socialism
The idea behind socialism is to do away with money and leaders. Our glorious leaders have decided that it’s easier not to do away with money, because that would complicate the whole business of paying for the opinions of influential people.
Left
Leftism is the enlightened political ideology of the woke. Its most sacred creed is that it is always better to do the wrong thing for the right reasons, than do the right thing and get the wrong results. In fact, even the results are secondary, as the left rarely achieves anything tangible. This is by intent—feeling that you’re moving things forwards in a meaningful way is far preferable to risking actually doing so.
Leftism also embraces the ‘Social Constructionist’ blank slate theory, that asserts that all people are born without any intrinsic characteristics, and are nothing more than what society moulds them into. This is why the actions of the individual are of less importance than the totality of social influence in raising strong, woke minded children to fight whatever stands between us and what we’re told is not offensive to us.
Leftism also embraces moral relativity, the idea that moral principles are merely suggestions that are open to interpretation by each individual and culture, even if they do occasionally end in the horrific murder of millions. That is their right, and your criticizing it risks hurting their feelings.
Democrat
The political embodiment of the Leftist ideology in the ironically named ‘United States’. These competent and incorruptible career politicians make a living making your ideals reality, in spite of the best efforts of their sworn enemies, the Republicans.
Republican
The political embodiment of the Leftist ideology in the ironically named ‘United States’. These incompetent and corruptible career politicians make a living making your ideals reality, in spite of the best efforts of their sworn enemies, the Democrats.
Nazi
Originally a pejorative—approximately equivalent to ‘Redneck’—the German National Socialist Party had this levelled at them often.
Warning: “The Nazis were politically Left wing” is a common talking point on the Right. This is easily countered by claiming that, ‘That’s the sort of thing a Nazi would say’, followed by behaving like a toddler to really drive the message home.
Now, the word has found its true place as a label of hatred by more modern and progressive national socialists.
Cancel
Often conflated with boycott for political convenience.
A boycott is a political tool used against businesses that employ questionable practices like whaling, or shooting monkeys in the face. By choosing not to consume their products or services, the goal is to hurt their bottom line just enough to make them consider ceasing the questionable practice in question.
A cancel is like a boycott, only fuelled by the social-anxiety of a gigantic wave of ‘the offended’! If a person has at any point been perceived to have thought something you disagree with, then it becomes vital that person not simply disappear, but also for them, and anyone they associate with, to never have existed in the first place. This is difficult to do without the full cooperation of the mainstream media and big tech, but we already have that, and whenever they get too timid we can threaten to cancel them too, and then they just roll over and do whatever you demand!
Important: This is nothing at all like mass extermination, because these are really bad people we’re talking about, and bad people just shouldn’t be allowed. Get that comparison out of your head right now. Cancel culture is really quite dissimilar to mass extermination in some ways.
A web based service designed to allow peaceful social discourse, and one in which this absolutely never happens.
As with all similar web based services, unacceptable posts are frequently removed, and in severe cases the user themselves together with their entire post history (see Cancel). What is and isn’t acceptable is based entirely on who you are and what your views are, and nothing at all to do with the content of the post.
This needn’t worry you, because you and your views are acceptable by default, for now.
Hitler
In the history of atrocities and the monsters responsible for them, national socialist Adolf Hitler was uniquely evil for reasons that we all know instinctively—they can never be articulated, nor do they ever need to be. Stalin, Lenin, Mao etc. certainly had blood on their hands, but they were at least trying to do the right thing, even if the outcome was not the one intended—who are we to judge? Hitler was just a very bad man, like no man had ever been bad before. You just wouldn’t believe how bad he was. Look at that moustache… just look at it!
For this reason, his face is synonymous with Nazis, conservatism, and the political Right. And anybody else that disagrees with you, basically.
Quota
The gold standard of equality. The problem with individuals (even women and minorities) is that they simply cannot be trusted to form the right opinions and make the right decisions, and this has an unfortunate tendency to skew statistics in ways that might favour individual autonomy and ability, which is systemically prejudiced against people we feel sorry for.
Quotas are how we turn this around, and usher wayward thinking people towards choices that will give us the numbers we so desperately feel are correct.
Offence
‘Freedom of speech’ is a popular dogma amongst Nazis, that they actually believe gives them permission to say things you might disagree with. Nothing could be further from the truth—their rights stop where your feelings begin! If ever they express an opinion you don’t like, you are well within your rights to insist they stop immediately, by claiming they have offended you. To really drive the point home, why not try screaming it at the top of your lungs?
Effectiveness of communication is directly proportional to the volume of the delivery.
Remember: Offence is never taken, only given.
Minorities
A term to describe people who ethnically make up the majority of human beings on the planet.
LGBGQ
All people are born equal, but some are more equal than others, and the ‘alphabet’ people are equally equal by being both less and more equally equally.
These people are of non-traditional sexuality, which is so gloriously progressive that it must be celebrated as more than just a lifestyle, and should be held up as an ideal.
The idea that a man would be attracted to a woman, or worse, that a woman would be attracted to a man, is outdated and has its roots in gender-based oppression in some way. If people are attracted to people in their own race, this is also highly problematic.
If you’re unfortunate enough to find yourself attracted to the opposite sex then you should probably give bi-sexuality a try, so you too can walk in their hallowed, elevated footsteps.
If you need to be recognised for your stunning and brave heroism, you can try the trans option. Though once limited to a very tiny minority, quietly dealing with gender dysphoria (people who identify as the opposite biological sex, typically from a very young age), it can now mean anything you want it to mean, or nothing at all, and at no point will you ever be required to explain yourself, because that would be offensive!
With that said, if you were cursed with a biologically male body, dressing up in clothes typically associated with the opposite gender opens a surprising amount of doors in the entertainment industry, and even more in the world of professional sports. It opens far more doors in those industries than being a virulent sexual abuser typically closes.
CIS
This pejorative applies to any weirdo who lacks the imagination to identify as anything other than the way they were actually born. The idea that one’s sexual identity would match the gender assigned at birth is part of a heteronormative conspiracy of ‘scientists’ and Nazis aimed at forcibly allowing biology to define key elements of our identity.
Horrifying!
Gender is a spectrum after all, and the idea that anyone would ever identify as part of a binary is outdated and ludicrous.
Except for bisexuals—they don’t count, obviously.
Privilege
An unfair advantage that some people have over others. More specifically, a perceived advantage that one group of people identifiable by their own facts of birth have, on average, over another, that we all know is true so we never have to prove it.
The woke believe that we are all exactly the same, no matter the colour of our skin, so long as it’s the right colour, or not the wrong colour, at least.
‘White privilege’, for example, is the notion that white people have the privilege of being able to walk down the street and not get gunned down by cops quite as much on a per capita basis as their black counterparts. We’re not saying that this makes white people evil, but if you ever feel the need to punch one in the face for any reason at all, well let’s just say you’d be justified in doing so, and they probably had it coming anyway.
Privilege is a form of oppression, precisely because all people are exactly the same regardless of race, gender or sexual orientation. Any differences therefore must be social constructions, and you only have to look see who’s benefiting from it to find the ones responsible, but not the ones actually benefiting from it. That would be offensive.
Social Justice
Social justice is all about creating inequality, in order to achieve a deeper equality. It’s the nuanced art of blaming people for the crimes of other people that superficially resemble them, while awarding the elevated status of victimhood by association to people who are not themselves victims. Whether you realise it or not, you are a victim, so it’s high time you went out and found some people to blame. Anyone will do, really.
Virtue Signalling
Doing good deeds rates very low on the scale of wokeness. The real goal is to make sure as many people as possible know that you’re just a much better person than they are. This is where virtue signalling comes in.
Social media has made this very easy, as you merely need find a perceived underdog and support their cause by announcing to everyone who follows you that you support their cause, and the job is done. Sure, others might add comments to the effect that they too support the cause, but you were the first, so you win.
Activist
Someone whose activity is limited to moaning on social media about how other people need to get up off their arses and change the world, and themselves while they’re at it. After all, you’ve already done the hard part—it’s high time they picked up the slack!
Equality
The extremely simple and self-obvious principle that all people are exactly the same when they’re born, so any inequality experienced must be because of exactly different people, who don’t really exist, oppressing them. These non-existing people who do exist, but can’t, are clearly forcing them to be people they’re not, which they’re already not because people are born as blank slates and can only become what society moulds them to become. But because of this, some people end up with less, and it’s therefore vital that people be treated differently based not on their experiences and personal realities, but the facts of their birth in order that an equal outcome can be forced onto some, but taken from others, because some people are just inherently bad people and don’t deserve to be equal… or something.
That this even needs explaining in the first place is a shocking indictment of the public education system.
Shaming
A popular weapon in the Nazi toolset. All lifestyle choices, all body styles, all behaviours are equally valid, and any suggestion so much as hinting to the contrary is oppressive and offensive, and must be stopped immediately.
In fact, some lifestyle choices, body styles and behaviours are inherently superior to the conventional outdated model, and if you want to be beautiful, all you need to do is tell others to say so, and it will become true. We have the right to be whatever we say we are, without any effort on our part.
Oppression
Whenever things don’t go your way, claiming that you are being oppressed will get you what you want. Never forget: you’re so special and important than the entire Western world has put systemic barriers in place for the sole purpose of stopping you from achieving your dreams.
Racism
This is the centre square of a bingo card in social politics, a one size fits all accusation that will win you any argument. Somebody refuses to give up their seat for you on a train? Racist! Somebody dating within their own race? Racist! Somebody take the last piece of cake at the buffet? Racist! You’ve called them out, and they have no comeback, because anything they say in their defence simply proves them even more racist.
It’s important to note that it is not possible for minorities to be racist—they never go around telling people what they can’t do because of the colour of their skin, after all, and if they do it’s not racist because we said so.
The best part is that it doesn’t devalue real social problems at all, and there is no genuine inequality left over because of the word becoming cheap and meaningless, goodness no!
So these are some of the fundamentals you need to internalise to be considered woke; be sure to include as many as you can in your writing—nothing makes a good story come alive like a constant stream of virtue signalling! It’s a lot easier than it sounds too, because the buzzwords do the hard part for you. Throw one in, and the work is done.
And remember, if you’re ever unsure about your stance on something, or what to do in a given situation, remember the following guidelines:
1) It’s always someone else’s fault.
2) Anything you want to be true is automatically true by that virtue.
3) You’re special because you want to be special
4) Your feelings trump evidence, science, reason, and all the rest of that outdated racist nonsense.
Be special everyone!
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