Internonsense - Part 'something'

A.P. Atkinson
Last week we had a book-launch which is one of the worst things you can possibly do as an author. It’s a bit like swallowing a bag of glitter and then expecting to shit out a Christmas present for someone who doesn’t even like you.
Much like the time when we finish writing or editing a novel, we take some much-needed time to do something we enjoy. Seth did a ton of overtime at work while Jack went out on the internet and did his absolute best to piss people off.
Here are the results…

Number 1) - Feel the burn

Minor injuries are always a valuable source of cynical humour. Finding hilarity in the misfortune of others is a useful way of getting a tiny bit of respite from the horrible burden of being an author.

Number 2) - The art of Twitter

Twitter gives me the opportunity to annoy other people, while also annoying my accountant wife. It’s a win-win.


Number 3) - It's time to man-up

Sometimes there’s nothing you can say that the original poster hasn’t already made clear. Defining a mid-life crisis by putting on a wig and identifying as the opposite gender is already pretty hillarious.


Number 4) - Feeding the Troll

A book-launch is hard work, it involves posting information and links in hundreds of online forums. Some of these places prefer exchanges of physical books while we specialise in digital media.

These gentleman enjoyed making a dad-joke about us sending a ‘free copy’ to his home-address – but he did make the rookie error of including that very same home-address.

What he didn’t enjoy was 200 Hawaiian pizzas (with extra pineapple) being sent to him for breakfast.

This was an important lesson and he’ll thank me for it one day.

Or not…



Number 5) - Lockdowns are good for mental-health

Social-media never fails to take my faith in humanity and take a giant shit on it. Twitter afforded me this latest boost to my suicidal-depression when it recommended an account where someone posts an image of a fox every hour – on the hour.

This is not a metaphor, this is not a code. This guy posts a picture of a fox, 24 times a day.

I don’t know if it’s the same picture of a fox, and I don’t care.

Number 6) - Clickbait isn't even trying

Writing scams are everywhere. The forums are thick with first-time authors bragging about how a publisher reached out to publish their work. This kind of disconnect with reality is dangerous and, if they don’t listen, they will find out the hard way.

The latest thing the forums are thick with is scammers from various parts of the world offering publishing services in posts that look like they were written by an alien. My in-box is generally stuffed with offers of promoting my books, guarantees of a thousand reviews or other unachievable nonsense.

Compared to all that, a ravenous reptile is fairly innocuous.

The important thing to remember is that I don’t actually give a shit. I stand in front of a mirror and tell myself that every morning and the hope is that some time in the next few years, I’ll actually start believing it.

Until then, if the social-media keeps pissing me off, I’ll just keep posting internonsense on here, telling you all about it.

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