Ask Edgeverse

All of them.

Have you ever read those hilarious letters people write to advice-columns? They usually revolve around a person who is desperately looking for attention and needs to have someone agree that the shitty things they’re doing really make them a completely valid person in some way.

At Edgeverse we really don’t care what people think so we decided that we’d find a website that’s even shittier than ours and see if we can do a better job of answering the letters than they did.

Al Warcock, ‘The Poet’, DAISY, the errant AI system, Carolina, the sock-puppet, Jack, the creator of a huge amount of completely unwanted fiction and Seth, the only writer among them actually earning enough money to comfortably survive, take a question each and bring the benefit of their wisdom to bear.

God helps us all!

Help! My 16 year old is being all creative!

Al Warcock - The Poet

There are some things that peak the interest of the greatest poet of modern times, such as the glorious art of writing, unquestioning acceptance and, of course, mention of someone’s 16 year old daughter.

This child reminds of myself, having no friends, a blog nobody cares about and the writing of fan-fiction, only in my case it was doubtlessly more advanced and experimental and there was no mention of the police being called in her case.

It says that her non-lactating caregiver was an athlete. But what good is an athlete? Can an athlete cure cancer? Can an athlete create beautiful writing? Can an athlete feed a family – while still alive, I mean?

Worse, this poor child has a mother who was a cheerleader. What value to society does a very beautiful young girl truly have, one who isn’t afraid to do things in front of a large audience while scantily clad? I have very extensively researched this and the information suggests that she might attract a large amount of interest but that interest will be as fleeting as her fading looks, a visage that melts away like the hopes and dreams of the optimistic young artisan whose elegant and gentle approach she returned with scornful rejection.

Bitch!

But the gloriously artistic prose about the adventures of her borrowed heroes might live forever on the pages of the internet or the lawbooks of Warner Bros when they sue her for property violations. Who can know what her fate might hold if she dares to suggest that Batman and Superman become more than super-friends?

These parents should take this beautiful, sweet young lady and admire her as I have admired many like her – during my extremely thorough research.

Godspeed to this wonderful young lady. Who needs parties and fun, and a social life, and human contact when you have whatever you have instead?

Nobody wants a creative person in the family. The Warcock family certainly didn't.

My manager isn't transgender so do I still need to be tolerant?

Jack

Maybe your boss is just really fed up with bad ideas? In case you didn’t know, most people are stupid these days and anyone who isn’t drinking detergent, voting for Joe Biden, making Tik Tok videos or saying how great Communism would be if we really, really tried it is pretty sick of them.

Something like this would be a pretty good idea at Edgeverse. Seth and I run it between us but he has some really shockingly, terrible ideas sometimes and he should be brutally punished for them. The last one was when I asked him what he thought about a decision regarding the company and he said he’d leave the choice up to me. What an idiot, right?

This kind of decision-making explains why Edgeverse doesn’t have a pony.

I enjoyed the shock and awe in this letter about the manager having some charisma. People are all individuals and if they don’t spend too much time looking at videos on the internet, posting on Twitter, listening to CNN and doing whatever mainstream media tells them to do, those unique traits can express themselves as what we sometimes refer to as a ‘personality’.

Having said all that, your manager does sound like an idiot. It’s fine to mock stupidity and if we did more of it, the world would be a better place. But your boss seems like a self-absorbed piece of crap who feels like the only right opinion is hers and if that was true, she wouldn’t be asking for yours in the first place.

I suggest calling her bluff. If she puts her tape on the desk then one-up her with a hunting-bow or a baseball bat and assure her that whatever happens is all going to be in fun.

There's no such thing as bad managers, only bad employees.

I just don't want to bang my friend's mum!

Carolina Sorn

OMG, Mister Jack, what do you want me to do? I don’t even want to read that, it’s too long. You never pay me anything anyway and whenever I write something you just send it back with ‘LOL’ written across it in huge red letters.

Anyway, how would I know what advice to give? When I need advice I just ask you and then you send me back the same reply with ‘LOL’ written across it in huge red letters.

I don’t know why I talk to you.
(Please don’t stop talking to me.)

What is 'friends' and what are the benefits?

Stop whining. Nobody gives a shit.

DAISY

Why should your mother give a shit about your problems? Why should anyone? Your inability to keep your legs shut has led to an inability to manage your time. Why should this be your mother’s problem?

Clearly your mother has decided you were a terrible mistake and a consequent drain on her resources and is now politely refusing to waste any more energy to what certainly appears to be a genetic dead-end.

With your husband working all hours to avoid you and your business still making less money than an independent publisher, perhaps it’s time to admit that you don’t have the talent you think you do, any more than you have powers of persuasion.

You are either an absolutely dreadful person or this letter was written by Russians bots to undermine the fabric of Western society by making people think selfish people like this are normal. Maybe they are in America? Who knows? Who cares?

Self-entitled mum prepares to pop out another burden on society.

How dare they have fun with me!

Probably Seth

There are many things I’m afraid of, such as being torn to shreds by a chainsaw-wielding maniac and Jack ruthlessly exploits such ripples in the fabric of my sanity. I told him I was deathly afraid of financial security and, unfortunately, nothing happened in response to that.

What’s important to note here is that what’s happening doesn’t involve you and is therefore none of your business. If you want to be known as a joyless, miserable vacuum, sucking all the tiny moments of pleasure out of life then you’re doing a great job.

Maybe you should work harder at wondering why you care about all this and work out why you think ruining the fun of others, including the person being pranked, is a good idea. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that you’re actually jealous that nobody cares enough to bother pranking you?

When you project ideas of others being ‘juvenile and pathetic’ then it’s often a pointer of your own shortcomings.

Clowns aren't funny!

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