It’s The End Of The World (Again)
Jack Fearmongerson and Seth Godworrying
It’s about that time of the year again, and another announcement has been issued from a group you can absolutely trust. They have declared that it’s the end of the goddam world… again!
This time it’s a huge chunk of space-rock that’s due to enter Earth’s orbit, and the news is coming from the absolutely open, transparent and utterly honest NASA. Who wouldn’t believe the people who brought us the Moon-landings (where astronauts landed a portable shower on the surface of the moon without wrinkling the curtain) and Mars-rovers (where an automated robot wandered around an area that absolutely wasn’t the Nevada desert and certainly didn’t photograph discarded hand-tools and gophers). Anyone who questions any of that must be a conspiracy theorist of some kind. I’m also absolutely sure that this announcement, and every announcement like it, has absolutely nothing to do with the Ghislaine Maximilian trial, where fingers are being pointed at your favourite world-leaders and celebrities. (Luckily, it’s all being held in private, so we won’t hear anything about it).
In any case, it’s the end of the world again, so let’s celebrate by looking at some of the other ends of the world we’ve lived through in recent times, in no particular order…
COVID
COVID 19—which virologists say looks like it was manufactured—is the first COVID virus in history where every variant and mutation gets stronger, in exactly the opposite way to everything in known and established science. It has the power to kill everyone just by looking at you funny, and scientists predict (allegedly) that it goes out at night and steals washing off of clothes lines in bad neighbourhoods, and uses bad language in front of your mum after drinking milk straight from the carton and leaving the fridge door open.
Doctor P.H.D. Falsely said that, according to his research, COVID might actually be responsible for the Kennedy assassination, the rise of the Nazis, and is the leading cause of paper-cuts in the Western world. The media said we’re all going to die, and that we should all ignore the WHO figures that said we were at a 7-year low for global death because facts lie and politicians don’t.
God bless those saviours at companies like Moderna, whose shares went up from $19 in 2020 to $329 today. What would we do without them?
Global Warming
Movies like ‘Waterworld’ showed us that Kevin Kosner wasn’t a good actor, while preparing us all for drowning in our own filthy ignorance when the ice-caps melted, raising the water-levels thousands of meters into the air in a physics-defying event.
Sadly for AI Gore it never happened, effectively ending sales of his DVDs, which were duly recycled into coasters in order to save the environment. Luckily for everyone else, it effectively ended sales of his DVDs.
Global warming failed to raise the water-levels by a single inch in several decades, and prompted people like Bollocks O’Bama (if that is his real name) to buy a beachfront property. That’s actually a little odd because of…
Climate Change
Climate change is the scientistical theory that the climate changes and that’s because people in Los Angeles use plastic straws. We can all do our bit to change the world by buying beachfront properties like Liberal icon, Ballaxo Bummer or, if we didn’t make millions of dollars by selling out ever last shred of human decency, we can just not consume things we don’t really need, like food and shelter. Luckily, the Liberals are driving us towards socialism where those things won’t be available anyway—unless guns still are. That’s still a work in progress.
Climate change is driven by such heroes as that screaming European girl who has ‘one of those faces’ and mental-health issues, and not by scientists like Sharon Barak, who invented a new kind of biodegradable plastic that, I guess corporations didn’t see any use for, or Morgan Vague who invented a bacteria that can break down existing plastic into harmless elements. Many other teenage scientists cracked this nut, but they just weren’t screaming childish accusations loud enough, I guess, and they didn’t have ‘one of those faces.’
Recycling probably isn’t much of a scam either.
AIDS
Who didn’t love growing up in the late 80s and being told that you were going to die of AIDS if you sat on a public toilet, or perhaps you were already dead and just didn’t know it yet? Good times! How awesome was it that we were all told that sex could now kill us, as could sharing towels or licking the faces of strangers? It was very, very, very awesome!
Sadly for everyone, AIDS didn’t do enough to slow down the growth of the population, that didn’t need slowing, so we needed COVID and social-engineering to help us, but it did kill a lot of people in Africa which you suspiciously don’t hear a lot about anymore.
Luckily for 99% of the population, AIDS turned out to be as threatening as global warming, and the media was just misinformed about it all, and there was never any need to terrify entire generations.
Of course, they apologised for their mistakes and nobody trusted them ever again.
No, sorry. The opposite of that.
Terror
The war on terror sort of just stopped when Hollywood started making Superhero movies. I’m not entirely sure what the correlation was, but I have a theory that terrorists thought that Captain America or Iron Man really was coming for them and just thought it was best to leave it alone now and go away. Who knows?
In any case, the war on terror began when the Twin Towers came down under extremely poorly-explained circumstances, and gave America an excuse to attack everyone for reasons so vague that even they didn’t understand them.
They later switched to a general fear of domestic-terrorism such as people with laser-pointers and children pointing fingers at one another until genuine domestic terrorists groups appeared and were widely embraced as a means to bring in draconian measures to get rid of those last few troublesome civil rights.
Luckily you never hear about this stuff anymore, or how Americans were 8 times more likely to be accidentally shot by a police officer than killed by a terrorist, even if the children were pointing their fingers really, really hard.
Drugs
Before the war on grammar—sorry, terror—there was the war on drugs. This was popularised by shows like ‘Miami Vice’ that made the idea of consenting adults doing what they wanted to do with their own bodies seem horrendously villainous.
Drugs were so terrible that we were all going to die, even if we didn’t use drugs—maybe even more so. Oddly, this war was followed by a massive influx of the very same illegal and (ahem), untaxed drugs into poor inner-city neighbourhoods, causing rising crime levels and increased fear which, in turn, led to demands for more authoritarian measures.
What’s truly shocking is that the war on drugs was lost and nothing happened. I guess it’s kind of like the Vietnam war in that regard.
Shocking.
Nuclear Annihilation
Way back in the olden days, the people were told by those trustworthy politicians who never steer them wrong, that the end of the world was coming at the hands of gigantic explosions that were going to mutate the survivors into who-knew-what.
Movies like Planet of the Apes showed us a future in which apes had taken over the planet, after mankind had finished with it, presumably. In fact, there were countless films about nuclear annihilation and the media kept people on the very edge of their seats with constant reminders about how we were all going to die flaming, horrible deaths.
Looking back with the benefit of experience, it’s a lot like how the media warned us about drugs, terrorism, climate changes and pandemics which were going to wipe us all out, or turn us all into zombies. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence though. There were a lot of films about all that stuff, now that I think about it.
Strange…
On top of all that we had 2012, because the Mayans didn’t bother setting a calendar any further along, the Y2k bug, which we were told was going to destroy all technology on Earth, and a host of other terrible things, none of which came true.
So, let’s all raise a glass to the end of the world. When it comes, it won’t be at the hands of flying rocks, melting ice-caps, hoards of angry potatoes, chemical addictions or the actions of bad people in countries with a military budget barely a millionth the size of America’s, oh no.
The end of humanity will be welcomed in by ignorance and stupidity when the vast and overwhelming majority carry on ignoring the lessons of the past and trusting the same corrupt idiots who keep telling the same old lies.
But I’m just an author. What the hell do I know?
Want a completely free sci-fi comedy?
Rob is a ginger waiter who successfully fails at dating. Dave delivers towels. Join them on an adventure that might change the entire galaxy – but won’t – as they drink free beer and travel out to the edge of the known galaxy for reasons that barely seem worth mentioning.
