Top 5 ways to waste your life on the internet

Internonsense - Part 2

A.P. Atkinson
The internet is a fantastic tool, all information can be shared so that a person can become fully informed of all sides of an argument and form well-rounded, balanced opinions. But we don’t use it for that, we use to look at people dropping things on other people’s heads so that we can feel very slightly less depressed as we witness the collapse of civilisation all around us.
Let’s have a look at some of the ways the internet shows us what it’s really good at with our top 5 ways to waste your life on the internet

Rate my Plate is a Facebook group where people post their food and other people post their opinions about it. It probably began as a serious critique but quickly devolved into people posting their home-spun atrocities while other people poured venomous scorn on it. Today it exists somewhere between the two with some people posting food that looks to have been ‘previously enjoyed’ while others try to show off their culinary prowess.

What’s really interesting is that it’s still fun, you can still be rude and insulting and nobody takes it seriously and almost everyone enjoys it as just a silly diversion.

Shawn Woods is an ordinary guy living in the Unites States who has his own Youtube channel. He makes videos that look semi-professional, at best, and makes no effort whatsoever to sell himself to the audience. He makes videos about a hobby that’s clearly become an overwhelming obsession – mouse-traps.

No joke, he’s posted hundreds of videos about mouse and rat traps and has a collection with over a thousand different kinds. He even builds them himself, often from plans that date back hundreds of years.

This all sounds utterly appalling but there’s something that’s darkly fascinating about watching these tiny, terrible, creeping little disease-sacks getting their necks broken in increasingly creative ways.

What’s even better is that Youtube is full of channels just like this about things that are as much fun as pouring buckets of glass-fibre into your underwear, but where the earnest enthusiasm these people have just makes the videos come alive.

This website simply shows pictures of faces, one after another every time you click the button. Each one is generally a normal, fairly average face . You get both genders, no particular preference on race and no leaning towards any particular way of life. It’s sometimes babies, sometimes old people, often they’re well-dressed and equally often they’re just casually dressed in cheap, ordinary clothes.

But what’s really compelling, and truly unsettling, about this site is that none of these people actually exist.

They’re all made up by a learning computer. It’s been fed information and samples of what real people look like and it’s simply creating a face, every time you ask it to. Sometimes it screws up and creates oddly horrific monstrosities that look like a human has been mated with a lava-lamp but in almost every other case, the picture is a seamless representation that you wouldn’t know wasn’t a totally ordinary photograph.

Bitchute is like Youtube, only better, and not as good at the same time. It has no censorship, which is the way the internet should be, but it doesn’t yet have enough of a presence to make it something to be taken seriously by a larger mass-audience.

What’s great about it is that it lets its users speak freely so you can find out what people are really saying about current events without Youtube picking and choosing what the public is actually allowed to say. On the other hand, it’s often used as a platform for ideas that haven’t passed sufficient self-scrutiny. S

o, while this is a platform for the free exchange of ideas, it’s also a place where you can find out that Bill Gates really died 30 years ago, the royal family are shape-shifting reptiles, Michelle Obama is a man called Michael and Biden is a good president. Of course, the last one is a bit of a stretch…

There is no finer way to waste the precious gift of human life than to become an aspiring independent author. You have to spend countless hours in coffee shops turning caffeine into suspicious-smelling urine while listening to your heartbeat soar to dangerous levels. Then you have to get your work edited, although a lot of them don’t bother and then go to the forums, bitching about why nobody is buying their books.

Then you have to self-market, building websites, forging connections, seeking out your audience. You have to use social-media, even though Twitter is essentially the way I picture Hell to be, you have to seek out writing forums and establish a presence and you have to offer your hard-earned work for nothing, just to get a few reviews out there, which will probably all hate your stories anyway.

So if you’re really full of self-loathing, if you really want to take your soul and drag it to the worst imaginable place (worse even than Lewisham, SE London), and you want to do it in the most public way imaginable, so others can find amusement in your self-torture, then this might be the life for you.

If you can't even get the first line of your question spelled correctly, with the aid of a spell-checker, you know you're in trouble.
It goes nowhere, if you haven't actually worked out the story for yourself.
Sadly, there's a deep-rooted attitude that there's no need to be good at something if you expect to do well at it.
How about 'imagination', which is clearly in short supply if an author can't work out the abilities of their main characters.
So there we are. 5 of the very best ways to take your life and flush it down the toilet. Mind you, this took you only a few minutes to read, think about how long it took me to make...

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