BMW broke new ground by doing just that, listening to the uninformed corners of the market and stuffing something into a gap that didn’t really exist in the first place. The result was a parallel-twin 800cc motorcycle that broke all German conventions by not looking like a sack of bricks piled on top of a dead prostitute. But we don’t judge a motorcycle by the inclusion – or lack of – dead prostitutes, we judge it by the way it performs and the way it carries on performing as we use it. This is where German engineering now tends to fall short.
The F800gs first came out in 2008 with a metallic flat grey finish or a black and yellow paint scheme. It surprised everyone by looking the part. Once you got past the sheer awe and surprise of BMW churning out a good-looking motorcycle you could start to look a little deeper. The side plastics wrapped right around the front of the bike, they were made from stiff plastic and would be expensive to replace. The screen was just a little too low so it pushed the airflow directly up your nostrils. The finish was suspect in places and there were stories of heads weeping and mounting-bolts sheering off. It quickly became apparent that this wasn’t a bike built on their experience of enduro machines – this was something else.
It sported a 21” front wheel and threatened to be a capable bike off the tarmac, making a claimed 85bhp that suggested it should be a capable machine on the road as well. It was an enduro-tourer with a little bit of everything thrown in, presumably hoping that it meant that this could deal with a little of everything out there in the real world.
But could it?
On the road it feels quicker and more responsive than the big boxers, even though it very clearly isn’t. It handles better, feeling light and quick into corners. It feels almost like two bikes in one. At lower revs it just feels like a larger, heavy big 650cc single with similar power delivery and performance. But if you wring its neck, twist the throttle back hard, and there’s a little extra power to find that seems to be shyly hiding somewhere in the shadows. Once you tap into that, the bike shows you that it has sporty pretensions. It can keep up with most things on the road and the relatively large 800cc engine suddenly make more sense. Still it doesn’t have the wafty elegance of the gigantic boxers and, for long-range touring, it would only be comfortable at lower speeds. It also doesn’t have a very comfortable seat, and that’s largely understating the matter. The only thing I can compare it to as a plank of wood with nails sticking out of it and, even then, it doesn’t come off well. Luckily, BMW has expensive aftermarket options to deal with the shortcomings – funny that.
Off the road it feels more confident than its big sister. The lighter weight means it can readily tackle a bit more of the rough stuff. There’s more feedback from the controls and you feel more like a part of what’s going on where the big boxers feel as disconnected from reality as the average Left-wing voter.
Even though the bike seems up to it, the gearing feels all wrong. You’re constantly up and down the lower gears as you try to negotiate the more technical terrain. On most enduro-inspired bikes you can ‘park’ the box in second gear and focus on not riding into a tree. On this, you feel like you’re struggling to get the right balance of power all the time between first and second. It’s not really a big problem but it feels odd, like something is somehow just not quite right down below. That’s exactly the place I, personally, like everything to be just exactly, perfectly right.
Durability is questionable. After a ride over some rocks the finish chipped away easily. The paint looks like decent quality but it couldn’t stand up to even gentle abuse. I cleaned it off with some light solvent and the paint started to discolour. That was not a good sign at all.
The equipment on the bike is second-rate, even though the price isn’t. The seat has the ergonomic performance of a rabid dog and you might as well just sit on the floor for all the good the padding does. The screen is also just slightly less than useless. Use the optional heated grips and fuel economy goes out of the window. If you want to fit auxiliary lighting then you have to pay BMW for the privilege as the system will reject non-authorised parts. For a bike touted as a machine to swallow mileage over rough terrain, all of these things are problems. Of course, Touratech can fix you up if you’re willing to part with some more of your hard-earned cash.
Suspension is adequate but lacks adjustment and just feels slightly cheap. KTM are setting the standard here and BMW have a long way to go if they want to catch up. Considering they’re aiming at the same market, you would expect the end products to be rather more equal to one another. Over the lumps and bumps, the suspension isn’t jarring but neither does it feel like it’s the best it could be. It’s a compromise made to a cost and BMW seems happy enough to let you sort it out yourself by fitting better quality items if you really want to use the bike for its marketed purpose. That’s a bit like pulling your brain out through you nose to stop a headache.
It’s a fairly economical machine. The wonky low-down gearing and the difficulty in finding the top end of the power are all seemingly deliberate attempts to get you further on your fuel. It has a mileage gauge on the dash, telling you your average fuel economy as you go along. I managed to get mine to around 65mpg which isn’t bad at all but I could also get it down to the low end of 50 if I pushed it.
Reliability isn’t where it should be, especially in the long term. Early models had frequent recalls, heads weeped oil and mounting bolts went off on their own merry way, dumping the back-end suspension into the dirt.
Even once BMW did their usual job of addressing these issues by sticking their fingers in the ears and singing loudly, it still left the fact remaining that these bikes aren’t designed or built for the long haul. They’re simply not tough enough to be used hard.
This is a machine for coffee-shop heroes. It’s a bike to wash and fuss over, bragging about what you could do if you wanted to, without wanting to and probably without being able. It’s not meant to be used for the implied purpose, it’s meant to be sold to people who don’t really want to understand it. It’s not a classic in the way the early BMWs were, this is a machine that looks good, has wide appeal and disappoints you quickly. It’s rather like a girl you might pick up at a cocktail bar where the lights are low and the alcohol has coiled itself round your brain like a snake round a baby pig.