Sh1t that don't fit
Edgeverse is proud to present some of the most poorly-researched clickbait anywhere online
A.P. Atkinshill and Seth Gobshite
The world is a silly place, and that really can’t have gone unnoticed to anyone who has developed the flimsiest of relationships with their own brain. You only have to look up from your desk to see that your civilised country is being flooded by aggressively unregulated mass-immigration that you’re not allowed to ask questions about, and that the government is promising that they can make the weather better if you give them more money.
But, we sometimes need to take a break from all that and take a look at some crazy nonsense from around the darkest realms of the internet. So, without further ado, here is a list of five pieces of complete nonsense about things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Here, for you infinite bemusement, is a list of pop-culture garbage about shit that just doesn’t fit.
Chuppa Chups - more than just tooth decay?
We all know that Chuppa-Chups lollipops are offensively awful lumps of candy that help our children develop diabetes. A questionable blob of sugared chemicals encapsulated in a crispy ball of sickly-sweet horror, these ‘treats’ are widely known for encouraging childhood-obesity, making your toes turn green and for helping creepy men lure young people into vans.
But, did we know that the wrappers hide a weird secret?
The packaging and the logo was designed by none other than surrealist painter, Salvador Dali. Known for his weird abstract artwork, technical skill and bizarre moustache, he actually created this horrendously crass corporate icon.
It isn’t known whether he was proud of this, or if he considered it some of his greatest work. We contacted him to ask and he simply replied that he was dead now and that we should probably leave him alone.
Arrested Direction - from funny to feminism.
‘Arrested Development’ is arguably one of the smartest comedies ever to come out of America, which is rather like pointing out that a stick is the bluntest object in a box of hammers. It’s a sharply-written piece of well observed comedic satire that is actually genuinely funny—unlike Seinfeld, Friends, The Big Bang Theory, etc…
One of the show’s directors went on to have a pretty impressive career, eventually moving on to cinema and making a string of well-known films.
But, what if I told you that that director, who worked on a smart and hilarious television show was actually none other than Paul Fieg, the unlikeable social-justice advocate responsible for offending us all with Ghostbuster 2016 and then calling us sexist for not liking it?
Yes, Paul Feig, self confessed male-feminist and cliché enjoyer who thought that gender-swapping a classic movie, filling it with offensively unfunny female protagonists and doing away with a script actually made some good things before taking a huge crap all over his own career.
Who would have thought it?
Titanic Mess - Grok does our research for us.
The 1997 Titanic film made by increasingly derailed director James Cameron has a strange secret prop.
This film established the career of popular arsehole Leonardo DiCaprio, while ending the career of less popular arsehole, Kate Winslet. It also cemented the sunken boat as a mainstay of pop-culture, ignoring the huge historical and cultural significance of the actual event by instead focusing on a one-night stand between two annoying fictional teenagers.
The film ends with the two main characters on a door where she famously lets Jack freeze to death and then drown, presumably so she can go on to enjoy many more drunken one-night stands with other assorted young men. Yes, it is not the romantic story that it’s taken for.
But did you know that the lump of door floating around in that little tank where the scene was shot was actually a piece of wood from the actual Titanic? Yes, according to Grok, the tomb of some 1,500 lost souls was disturbed so they could feature an authentic section of First-Class lounge paneling on camera. Sure, the director claims it was an artificial prop merely “based on” said paneling—but of course he would say that. Given his usual obsession with authenticity, it would be far more out of character if he hadn’t used the real thing, maybe?
Still not convinced? This is the same man who recut the entire film because a TV scientist complained the stars were a bit wrong and the very same man who thought Terminator: Dark Fate was a good idea. Ladies and gentlemen, the jury rests and finds in favour of a wonky AI that comes free on a rumour-sharing service.
Angelina Jolie - Mad as a porridge knife?
Angelina Jolie is as mad as a sack of rats, as everyone knows. She has been accused of all manner of deviancy and shows many of the signs of being a victim of longterm systematic abuse. But, among the weird nonsense she’s been involved in, did you know that she once went to the Oscars wearing a necklace containing the blood of her partner, Billy Bob Thornton?
In 2000, she attended with a vial of blood around her neck that she claimed was drawn in a romantic ritual.
Actually, that’s not really unexpected at all and really doesn’t belong here.
Actor drives a bus - Admit it, you've read worse articles than this.
Keanu Reeves once drove a bus. Apparently a tour bus broke down somewhere in California, stranding the passengers, most likely in some war-torn demilitarized zone in the middle of one of the many organised protests that CNN likes to refer to as ‘mostly peaceful’.
He quickly leapt into action, driving the bus to a nearby town where he bought the passengers pizzas.
Honestly, these were getting much more difficult to find. I was looking for things like how Dr Ruth was really a trained sniper or how Woody Harrelson’s father was a mafia hitman and this is the kind of quality results that I got.
Writing these clickbait articles really sucks.
Terminator - The first choice for the role fit like a glove!
O.J. Simpson, famous nice-guy NFL player and credibly accused murderer, wrote an actual book. Taking time out from his sports career and acting, he actually demonstrated a warm and creative side that many people thought was beyond him.
He was rejected from playing the ‘Terminator’ because he was so nice that it was thought that he wouldn’t be believable as a killer but it didn’t hold back his acting career which went from strength to strength. After allegedly murdering his wife and the man he found her with, if he did it—which he did—he then penned a book on the subject.
He wrote a novel called ‘If I did it’ where he described, in explicit detail, how he would have killed them, including details of missing evidence that aligns perfectly with court records.
I’m not quite sure what kind of privilege that is but it’s certainly some kind…
Systemic abuse - Why does this keep happening?
Roman Polanski, Oscar-winning director of Rosemary’s Baby and a host of other massively over-rated movies, fled the U.S. in 1978 but continued making movies that were just barely watchable. He didn’t leave due to inflation, sky-rocketing food prices, the dumbing down of education, social chaos, race-baiting or the encroaching shadow of communism.
He ran away after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with a 13-year-old girl, as per Los Angeles court documents. According to the records, he drugged and forcefully violated Samantha Geimer at Jack Nicholson’s house, then lived as a fugitive in France where he was still able to direct films like ‘The Pianist’ (2002).
Hollywood has, shockingly, come out in support of this director with Whoopi Goldberg, Harrison Ford, Natalie Portman, Tilda Swinton, Martin Scorsese, Kate Winslet and Asia Argento signing a petition demanding his release, that was started by Harvey Weinstein.
Many other celebrities have followed his examples until it became unavoidably obvious that there’s something very deeply wrong here.
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I never new Salvador Dali invented a candy. I have been a fan of his art since i was a kid. Did you know his mom told him he was the reincarnation of his brother who died before he was born?
-Franz