{"id":4085,"date":"2021-11-12T02:51:02","date_gmt":"2021-11-12T02:51:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/edgeverse.org\/?p=4085"},"modified":"2022-08-10T10:01:44","modified_gmt":"2022-08-10T09:01:44","slug":"its-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/edgeverse.org\/?p=4085","title":{"rendered":"It’s Me"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Here you can read an entire shorty story, completely free. Blips are strictly less than two thousand words, or maybe more, and typically have a surprise twist in the tail. \nThese stories are free for you to download and share but please link back to us so we can build our site and create more free content. \nThanks very much for visiting. Please enjoy the story. <\/h6>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Sometimes a story is just about some stupid idea that comes to you because your wife is pregnant and sleep is some forgotten memory that now only happens in fitful little snatches between the numerous, torturous trips to the toilet that have replaced your entire life. Vomiting, hormonal emotional outbursts and loud farting have become the daily routing and even she\u2019s started to do it.<\/h5>
So anyway \u2013 here\u2019s a story.<\/h5>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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It's Me<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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A.P. Sethkinson<\/h5>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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The sound of a dog barking filled the room. He didn\u2019t have a dog, and that would have been a bit suspicious, except that this was his ring-tone and it loudly told the world several important things about him. Primarily, it signalled that he was getting a phone call from a number he didn\u2019t know, that he was someone who occasionally received phone calls, and that he had utterly appalling taste in ring-tones.\u00a0<\/p>

In fact, his appalling taste extended somewhat further than his choice of loud noises, a point his last girlfriend had made very well by leaving him, also proving that her taste might not have always been immaculate but that she was capable of personal growth.\u00a0<\/p>

She was now engaged to an accountant, so what that meant was anyone\u2019s guess.\u00a0<\/p>

He frowned to himself and glared suspiciously at his phone as he paused his game.\u00a0<\/p>

His living room was poorly-named in so much as there was very little space in it, and he was scarcely doing anything more than existing. It was a dull, gloomy thing with a perpetual stench of cigarettes and apathy. Old takeaway containers littered the floor, and even more were piled up behind his sofa, possibly blocking in a cat that had been missing for nearly three months.\u00a0<\/p>

The only real light that ever touched his world was shyly peering in from behind a threadbare set of dark blue curtains that he\u2019d owned since he\u2019d been living with his parents. He was in his thirties now and that wasn\u2019t anywhere near as long ago as it should have been.\u00a0<\/p>

He played a lot of video games since they made no demands of him, unlike actual people. Luckily, he didn\u2019t know very many. It was even luckier for all those people he didn\u2019t know.\u00a0<\/p>

He nudged the phone and put down his very expensive control pad. Playing games was the only thing he took remotely seriously.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cWho the hell is this?\u201d he wondered out loud. He had noticed that he spoke to himself a lot lately. It was probably a symptom of not going out, or having any friends, or having any connection to any women whatsoever, or having nobody that liked being within slapping distance of him.\u00a0<\/p>

He picked up the phone and said simply, \u201cHello.\u201d<\/p>

There was a short but poignant silence from the other end. Then there was a deep breath.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cIs this Mongo?\u201d the voice asked. It seemed oddly curious, like the person it belonged to had called him but had not quite expected him to answer.\u00a0<\/p>

He frowned thoughtfully. \u201cYes, this is Mongo,\u201d he said. Mongo said. \u201cWho is this?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cMongo,\u201d the voice said.\u00a0<\/p>

Mongo sighed. \u201cYes, this is me!\u201d he grumbled. \u201cWho is this?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s me!\u201d the voice said.\u00a0<\/p>

Mongo frowned and flopped back into his sofa, grumbling to himself. \u201cI don\u2019t know who \u2018me\u2019 is,\u201d he said. \u201cI only know who I am.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cSame thing!\u201d the voice told him wearily. \u201cIt\u2019s you!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cYeah, of course it\u2019s me!\u201d Mongo said, starting to get a little annoyed. \u201cLook, who are you?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cMe!\u201d he said. \u201cYou!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

Mongo frowned to himself. \u201cYou know, this was fun, but I\u2019m going to have to hang up now!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d he told him. \u201cI mean, you won\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cWho the hell is this?\u201d Mongo said with a raised eyebrow. \u201cNo offense but you sound like an idiot.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

There was a chuckle. \u201cI keep telling you!\u201d the voice said. \u201cMongo.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat?\u201d he cried out.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cOK,\u201d said whoever was on the other end. Somehow he gave the impression he was rubbing his forehead wearily. \u201cThis is partly my fault. I\u2019m Mongo. I\u2019m calling you from the future.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cYou can\u2019t be calling me from the future!\u201d Mongo told him. \u201cBecause I\u2019m not in the future, I\u2019m here\u2026 Wait, what do you mean you\u2019re calling me from the future?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

There was silence on the line. Mongo rolled his eyes thoughtfully. Certainly, the voice did sound somewhat like his, but older perhaps.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cYeah, I\u2019m calling from the future. I\u2019m you, living twenty-five years from now. And three days.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

Mongo\u2019s brain didn\u2019t like the sound of it.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cProve it,\u201d he said. \u201cWhat\u2019s the weather like in the future?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s a little warmer,\u201d Mongo told him. \u201cMind you, I am calling from Spain. I moved here to live with uncle Ron after Spaz died.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cWho\u2019s Spaz?\u201d Mongo said curiously.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cSpartacus. Our brother! You\u2019ve only got one brother and he\u2019s the one that gave you that phone you\u2019ve got in your hand. He\u2019s the one who married the girl who got drunk at Mum\u2019s Christmas party and got off with Dad.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh yeah!\u201d Mongo nodded to himself. \u201cDid he get a divorce?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cThat was Dad!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

Mongo nodded. As far as he was concerned, this more or less proved it. \u201cHow can you be calling from the future? Does everyone have time machines there or is there an app?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cNo,\u201d Mongo told him. \u201cNo, there are no time machines here. Not much has changed, to be honest. The only thing that\u2019s really different now is that pineapple is pretty-much universally accepted as a pizza-topping. It\u2019s also common on burgers, and in fried-chicken, and it\u2019s commonly served for breakfast in omelets.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIs that what makes time-travel possible?\u201d Mongo asked curiously, scratching his short, wiry hair. \u201cAm I bald in the future?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cAre pineapple omelets responsible for time travel?\u201d Mongo asked, as if he was just checking he\u2019d heard correctly. \u201cI forgot I asked that. I always meant to look into it but never did. I also forgot what an idiot I was.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m not an idiot\u2014you are!\u201d Mongo said angrily, somehow managing to shoot himself in the foot with a gun he didn\u2019t even have.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cRight\u2026\u201d Mongo replied down the phone. \u201cAnyway, no, I don\u2019t know what happened. I\u2019ve still got the same phone but the battery died and I had it replaced with a new one from the local market. I used to order stuff from Amazon but they were taken over by Ebay, who were taken over by Apple, and they were all eventually taken over by a company called \u2018Pineapple\u2019.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo should I invest in Pineapple?\u201d Mongo asked.<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019ve got nothing to invest!\u201d Mongo laughed at him. \u201cDid you remember the part where I told you that I was still using the same phone?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cI remember it now!\u201d he replied grumpily. \u201cSo what\u2019s the point of calling me? Do you have a dire warning about the future?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cNo!\u201d he told him. \u201cI\u2019m not really sure what happened, it\u2019s just a very old phone reacting with a new battery, I expect. I was actually trying to phone Dad.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cRight!\u201d Mongo said. \u201cIs he still alive? He\u2019s barely alive now.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cNo,\u201d he told himself. \u201cBut, you know\u2026 Time travel. Every time I get a new battery, I always try phoning Dad, just to see if it will work. It never has yet, although I did accidentally dial a man once who asked if I was replying to an advert about devouring human flesh.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cWhat does Dad die of?\u201d Mongo asked, almost sadly.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cHe choked on a lump of pineapple,\u201d he said matter-of-factly. \u201cI always thought I should warn him or something, but he never did divorce Mum, and he always told me he prayed for death every night before getting into bed with her. I always worried he’d just buy loads of tins of pineapple if I actually ever did warn him.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ll buy him a tin for his birthday,\u201d Mongo said.\u00a0<\/p>

Mongo sighed at him. \u201cYou actually did\u2014every year for the rest of his life. Again, I\u2019d forgotten what an idiot I used to be.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

Mongo grinned to himself. \u201cSo what\u2019s the point of all this? What can we actually change about the future?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Old Mongo said, giving the impression he was shrugging. \u201cEverything I know about time-travel I learned from old 80s movies. As you get older you come to realise that they\u2019re not very reliable. At least, they weren\u2019t when I joined the police academy, tried to catch a ghost, or left my son at home when I went on holiday. He was eventually taken into government custody, so at least that was a net win. More money for beer!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cSo I have a family?\u201d Mongo said in surprise.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cYeah, your ex-girlfriend takes you back after she has a violent allergic reaction to a new kind of lipstick. She\u2019s a lot less attractive, but you make it work!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cLess attractive?\u201d Mongo said in surprise.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cA lot less!\u201d Mongo told him sadly. \u201cI can\u2019t overstate how much less attractive she is. You don\u2019t go out much, especially to eat in public.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThe future doesn\u2019t sound great,\u201d Mongo said.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s fine if you like pineapple!\u201d also Mongo said.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t, do I?\u201d he asked.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cNo, not at all,\u201d he told him. \u201cIt\u2019s certainly something you shouldn\u2019t make lipstick out of either.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s enough to make you just give up on life and sit around playing video games all day,\u201d Mongo said with a sigh.<\/p>

\u201cWell that\u2019s pretty much all anyone does in the future,\u201d he said. \u201cNobody reads books anymore! Especially independent novels – even free ones.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s a relief!\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYeah, we all feel a lot smarter now that there\u2019s nobody showing us how dumb we all are!\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo you have any advice for me?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cYeah, eat more fibre.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou know I can\u2019t promise that.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes, I do. I know you\u2019ve never had piles before, but they\u2019re a real pain in the arse.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnything else?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo, but my battery is almost dead so I’m going to have to go,\u201d he told him. \u201cAnyway, it was nice catching up with you.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cYeah, me too.\u201d<\/p>

The phone clicked off and Mongo casually threw the phone down onto the chair beside him. He shrugged and picked up his controller.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cI wonder what that was all about.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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