{"id":3086,"date":"2021-09-10T09:04:53","date_gmt":"2021-09-10T08:04:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/edgeverse.org\/?p=3086"},"modified":"2022-06-30T06:35:45","modified_gmt":"2022-06-30T05:35:45","slug":"an-elevated-philosophy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/edgeverse.org\/?p=3086","title":{"rendered":"An Elevated Philosophy"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Here you can read an entire shorty story, completely free. Blips are strictly less than two thousand words, or maybe more, and typically have a surprise twist in the tail. \nThese stories are free for you to download and share but please link back to us so we can build our site and create more free content. \nThanks very much for visiting. Please enjoy the story. <\/h6>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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An Elevated Philosophy began as a suggestion by Seth about a way to express a universal truth in a story, in a manner that encapsulated an intelligent discussion of human existence. Jack frothed at the mouth and decided to add some stupid jokes about cheese and to echo characters from another book in a way that nobody else would give a shit about. <\/span><\/span><\/p>

This is what we ended up with.<\/span><\/span><\/p>



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An Elevated Philosophy<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n<\/p>

Softly annoying music wafted through the air: a tinny, artificial sound whose origins had as much to do with a musician as Twitter had with intelligent discourse. It wasn\u2019t music, per-se, more the sound of a cheap phone\u2019s built-in ring-tone, or the background buzz of a child\u2019s toy musical keyboard that was running the preloaded tunes designed to irritate the parents who bought it.<\/p>\n

However, the painfully bland noise was the perfect accompaniment to the surroundings. It was a metal and concrete building, almost industrial in appearance but with a thinly-spread veneer of civility smeared across it. It was a shopping mall, a cathedral to capitalism: though perhaps one where the religious aspects had receded to the degree that the people involved in managing it were now far more busy with performing acts of barbaric immorality on others, than warning them of the dangers of thinking about minor ones\u2014as usually happens.<\/p>\n

And then, with a lurching shudder, it stopped dead, trapping them between the second and third floor.<\/p>\n

Silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d said Rod, peering around. \u201cWhat\u2019s happening?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing!\u201d said Dale, which was simultaneously 100% accurate and completely the wrong answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, something is definitely happening\u2026\u201d Rod said thoughtfully, furrowing his brow and glancing around with a worried look on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve stopped moving,\u201d said Dale in his flat, grating monotone. \u201cLiterally nothing is happening.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said Rod in annoyance. \u201cBut when something is supposed to be happening, then happening becomes its dormant state. Its sudden refusal to continue happening thus becomes a happening in its own right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt does,\u201d Dale agreed. \u201cOr rather it doesn\u2019t. Isn\u2019t it funny how quickly logic breaks down when you apply it to real-world situations?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod looked ashen. \u201cWe\u2019re trapped,\u201d he said, running a hand over his untidy but excruciatingly average mop of brown hair. He wore glasses, but somehow managed to do so without flare or style, a difficult trick to pull off.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re trapped,\u201d said Dale, echoing Rod\u2019s sentiment to the letter. He looked out, gazing down at the floors beneath them. \u201cWe\u2019ve stopped moving entirely. We\u2019re stuck here until they fix this thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are we going to do?\u201d Rod said, looking quite worried.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d Dale said with a shrug. \u201cWe were doing that before anyway, so it shouldn\u2019t be too difficult. We\u2019ve been practising for as long as I\u2019ve known you\u2014which is too long.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes!\u201d Rod grumbled. \u201cBut, I don\u2019t want to do nothing here<\/i>, I want to do it somewhere else<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll be alright. I have some cheese in my pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod narrowed his eyes. \u201cWhy do you have cheese in your pocket?\u201d<\/p>\n

Dale slowly raised an eyebrow. \u201cYou don\u2019t have cheese in yours?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo! Of course I don\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s great! You never know when you\u2019re going to need some cheese. I also carry a condom in my wallet, but I think it\u2019s more likely that I’ll need the cheese first. It is, after all, what history has taught us.\u201d He sighed to himself and gazed once more over the distant mall below. Turning back to his friend, he asked, \u201cWhat do you carry?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust my keys.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dale rolled his eyes upwards. \u201cI don\u2019t really get why people carry keys,\u201d he said. \u201cI mean, it\u2019s not like your house is right here. You\u2019re not going to need them until you get home. And your mum is always there\u2014she hasn\u2019t left the house in four years.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut she can\u2019t really get to the door,\u201d Rod explained. \u201cAnd I like my independence.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou live with your mum. How are you independent?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod glared at him angrily. \u201cI just am,\u201d he grumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have a key,\u201d Dale said, obliviously. \u201cI just leave it at home. I used to carry it with me, but my lock got all dirty from all the bits of cheese in it. It was sub-optimal.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if someone tries to break in?\u201d<\/p>\n

Dale pondered this for a moment. \u201cI had something worth stealing once but I accidentally lost it. If someone broke into my house and saw the way I lived, they\u2019d end up with suicidal depression. I\u2019d actually feel sorry for them. I\u2019d have to give them some cheese to cheer them up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sounding slightly depressed himself, Rod added, \u201cWell I like my security.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d Dale asked flatly, his voice droning on emptily. \u201cYour mum ate everything in your house. Didn\u2019t you have to sell all your furniture just to buy even more food?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod glared at him. \u201cNot all of it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot her bed, I guess,\u201d Dale guessed. \u201cShe hasn\u2019t really left it since I\u2019ve known you. I can\u2019t imagine how bad it smells, although your jacket does provide something of a clue about that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not the one with a pocketful of cheese!\u201d Rod growled through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy cheese is pocket-fresh!\u201d he retorted with a weak flutter of a smile.<\/p>\n

Rod tutted to himself. \u201cHow long do you think we\u2019re going to be stuck here?\u201d He checked his watch. It had an analogue face, and it took him a moment to work out what the time was. \u201cMy god, we\u2019ve been here for nearly three minutes already.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCould be all day,\u201d said Dale. \u201cDid you want some cheese, by the way?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod flashed a glance at his slightly discoloured pocket. \u201cUm\u2026 No\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Dale looked at him with hollow, dead eyes that reflected no hint of the vibrant, imaginative being that dwelled deep within him, since evidently no such being did. \u201cAre you sure,\u201d he said? \u201cIt\u2019s cheddar. I think. It certainly smelled like cheddar when it went in, they always smell that way when they come out, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod watched as a small group of people passed by in the far distance below. He sighed to himself. \u201cLook at them! All these people enjoying their lives, and we\u2019re stuck here contemplating the relative merits and demerits of consuming dairy produce from the pockets of an idiot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe world needs us, Rod,\u201d he said. \u201cJust as night giveth value to day, does death not likewise giveth value to life? We exist to provide context for the success of others.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod\u2019s shoulder wearily slumped. He sighed to himself and shut his eyes for a moment. He opened them and said softly, \u201cI had hoped that my life would amount to more than a mere warning to others.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what I wanted?\u201d Dale said, turning to face him with his frighteningly blank expression that was more or less permanently etched on his face.<\/p>\n

Rod shrugged.<\/p>\n

\u201cMonterey-Jack,\u201d he said simply. \u201cBut, Cheddar was cheaper, and I\u2019m saving up for a block of Wensleydale.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA whole block?\u201d Rod said, sounding impressed.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot a whole block,\u201d said Dale, grumbling at the ridiculousness of the suggestion. \u201cNobody\u2019s pockets are that big.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was right, of course. Rod nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have an interview next week,\u201d Rod said, making a feeble attempt to strike up a conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cJobs suck,\u201d Dale told him, making a very robust attempt to kill one.<\/p>\n

Rod struggled for a moment and failed to find any reasonable argument to that. He continued regardless, \u201cThere\u2019s a vacancy at the local chicken place for a waiter. If I get it, I\u2019ll get free buckets.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGet me one!\u201d Dale said excitedly. In terms of his excitement, any answer that was returned from him in under 20 seconds was generally considered a sign of an elevated emotional state.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou like chicken?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Dale. He stood in silence for a moment and then continued, \u201cI have a leaky pipe. Buckets are always useful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBuckets of chicken!\u201d Rod snapped at his stupidity.<\/p>\n

Dale frowned at him, cocking his head very slightly to one side. \u201cThey pay you in buckets made of pure chicken?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. They pay me in cash, but I also get buckets of chicken for free. They\u2019re not real buckets though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre they real chicken?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod frowned at him and gave him a really angry scowl. \u201cThat would be a legal question, which is currently undergoing a lengthy litigation process, so we\u2019re not authorised to talk about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood point,\u201d Dale said. \u201cYou never know who\u2019s listening.\u201d<\/p>\n

As the mall stretched out below them, people went about their daily lives in blissful ignorance of the terrible warning that was trapped so close and yet so untouchably far, fabricated by the universe to inspire them to try just a little harder.<\/p>\n

\u201cNobody is listening\u2026\u201d Rod sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Dale said in agreement. \u201cCan you imagine if this was a story? Two people with the worst possible lives just trapped, talking nonsense about pockets of cheese and dreaming of free buckets made of chicken? Even if the story was free, you\u2019d feel a bit cheated wouldn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod said, somewhat fancifully, \u201cThere\u2019s nothing wrong with our lives, they\u2019d make a fine story.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dale said, somewhat more factually, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod looked away in disgust. \u201cWell, what would you do? Make it a science-fiction? Give me ginger hair? Make you more outgoing? Maybe you could set our stories on a gigantic spaceship where we\u2019re the greatest heroes in the galaxy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Dale shrugged. \u201cA more mature story would probably focus on regular people that are more accessible to a wider public, figurative anchors that draw the audience into their world. I\u2019d have the protagonists be more natural, but find themselves in situations that are increasingly ludicrous, and gradually increase their aptitudes until they become almost caricatures.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would you know?\u201d Rod said, shaking his head at him. \u201cYou\u2019re a Liberal Politics major.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d Dale told him, his demeanour edging very slightly towards personal pride. \u201cI dropped out!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s the reason you can\u2019t get a job!\u201d Rod told him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s two reasons,\u201d he corrected. \u201cThere\u2019s also that whole mental illness thing, the incident, and the prescription pills I was subsequently required to take.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod nodded and gave him a sympathetic look. \u201cI wonder what you\u2019d be like without them?\u201d<\/p>\n

He blinked slowly and gazed out for a moment that stretched on for a very long time. Finally, he replied with his usual blank lack of enthusiasm, \u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019d be as much fun.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rod sighed to himself and checked his watch. \u201c5 minutes now,\u201d he grumbled. \u201cWe\u2019ve been trapped on this escalator for 5 whole minutes!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEscalator<\/i>\u2026?\u201d Dale repeatedly thoughtfully. \u201cNot\u2026 elevator<\/i>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Rod told him. \u201cLook around you. It\u2019s clearly an escalator.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dale looked around him, and sure enough, an escalator was exactly what it clearly was. He said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, \u201cWhen an elevator stops working, it becomes a locked cupboard. When an escalator stops working, it becomes\u2026 stairs<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said Rod, nodding his head at this incredibly astute observation. \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026 we\u2019re standing on stairs?\u201d Dale said, slowly putting the pieces together.<\/p>\n

Rod looked up and down the motionless, black metal steps. \u201cYes, I suppose that is an accurate description of our current predicament,\u201d he agreed.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo we could have just walked up,\u201d Dale suggested, with a notable hint of uncertainty. \u201cCouldn\u2019t we?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell why didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you didn\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I wanted to walk, I would have worn walking shoes!\u201d Rod grumbled.<\/p>\n

Dale looked down at his feet. \u201cWhat are those then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRunning shoes!\u201d he tutted. \u201cObviously!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou never run.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have a pair of slippers at home,\u201d Rod said sarcastically. \u201cWhat\u2019s your point?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cClearly if there was a point to all this, we wouldn\u2019t have been standing on a set of stairs waiting to be rescued,\u201d Dale argued, making rather a good point in the process.<\/p>\n

\u201cBroken<\/i> stairs\u2026\u201d corrected Rod.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy point is, broken or otherwise, why don\u2019t you just climb the stairs?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine. After you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know: why don\u2019t we both start climbing together,\u201d suggested Dale. \u201cAfter three. One\u2026 two\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThree!\u201d they both said together.<\/p>\n

Nothing happened. Or, it might be more accurate to say that the something that should have happened, didn\u2019t happen, so it would perhaps be more accurate to state that something did happen, which was that neither of them made any attempt to move in an upwards direction.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell that didn\u2019t work\u2026\u201d said Dale, blankly.<\/p>\n

\u201cEscalators are funny,\u201d suggested Rod. \u201cThey get inside your head. They entice you into abandoning your self-reliance, strip you of your agency. Before you know it, your free will has become a mere plaything for the machine!<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a lot like life really…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrue,\u201d agreed Dale. \u201cBesides, we\u2019d look ridiculous! Who climbs escalators? Nobody climbs escalators, that\u2019s who! I say we wait it out!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAgreed!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter all, we\u2019ve already waited here this long\u2026\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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